lifes uroutine around

bluring of days happen. coult this happen to years? iset out today to make so many plans concieved over the nights of insomnia. How am i ever going to achieve my lifetime goals if i can not talk interested entertainingly about art. about all art not just what pertains to me. or my interests. fetishes or obseessions. Qwe spend so much time sniffing out our own farts, proclaiming to others our little but seeming large accomplishments. I say we need more ordinary honest work. that has no elusive illusions. the reality is hyperrealistic as fiction.. we cant make up something more profane and meaningful and ordinary than the truth. the truth though i resent that i am doing nothing. I feel that people do want me around. that i could go to my professors whwen ineed to work on things. even after graduating they are helpinging me proving their passion. how could i ever be such a teacher . I am riting lesson plans but they are shit compared to what i have gone thought. ooh potatoe.

now

this is getting bpretty old. I cant think of anything incite full but, the think that i was thinking before were only shrouded by my manic mind seeming to make sense. every thing makes me feel life is giving up on my dreams. I fell so commited to the girls that i have dated in the past that i dont meet anybody new and beside s i just feel like i dont have any harmless fun anymore. adults have have fun by drinking and socializing instead of doing tings. ah this just the drepression speaking. been going through all my school papers from four years feels like im writing another thesis.
now it just crumbles.
thought about going back to gymnastics and geting ingto the best shape i have ever been in. bur what is that really going to do. way to wah what.

recent development

i started collaging
using old monster mags and hot rods from the 60s
there is something about the old print quality that is appealing
it may turn into a paper cut out animation if i can scrounge a stand to format the cells it would be great to start on a kenteridge plus collage animation linked with stop motion clay. but we will see how far i get. untill then sleep well.

its my birthday

and i am sick ended up cleaning vomit out of my car. it wont stop me from going to a noise show, though. wish i planned these things out and actually called people to hang out at the shows. It will be fun anyway as always. Im 23 and ready to kill.

i miss Katie Mullholand.

its secret