read me

screw you fat Lou

I live in the suburbs, I have for my whole life but tonight I have found out how caddy and easily we misuderstand each other even though we live relatively close. this sign was being proudly displayed in Lou's front yard. I thought how great a luau. Hawaiian party where you roast a pig. I like party decorations so I went on back to where the luau was being held. I thought they might understand me being interested in their party and trying to capture the actual community and neighborlyness that the suburbs offer. walked up saw a lady walking out, she seemed disturbed so I wanted to comfort her by communicating. Hi Im Jonathan I live a couple houses down the street. blah blah I am interested in taking some photos of the decoration at your party.
she seemed friendly told me to go on back and ask.
I was barraged with streaming chinese circular lanterns. plastic palm trees, cheesy but kitsch funny decorations. I waltzed their backyard the tiki torches dimly illuminating smoky atmosphere. 12 old men smoking on a hookah, cigars playing cards, and drinking beers turn around and glare at me. Distracted, me eyes zip around nervously as I rattle off my plead to take pictures, photos of the enviromnent. I didnt really stress that I was interested in documenting the community friendship that crescent springs posses. The owner name was John must have been Lou said, Well what do you want the Lou Lou special. I wasnt sure what he meant so I asked I dont know what does that mean? The big guy with a smoldering cigar turned a chair so that the back support faced me. Big Lou misunderstood my naive request, My balls dangling through the middle of this chair. Everybody laughed so I assumed we were just shooting the shit and living easy in the hollow hills. I started talking like i was interested in their hookah. Everyone like smoking a flavorful sugar tobacco. Fat Eddy boasts its kentucky fruit. I didnt know if that was a jab at fruties. so i repeated it and laughed. My mind wandered from what was going on and started to focus on what I would actually shoot. The Plastic Tiki effigys or the Easter Island Heads constructed out of duct tape would look fantastic in the lighting. It was dark but there was a glow provided by neon signs, citronella candles and the stupid torches.
My silence must have put them with discomfort. Some charecteristic about how i spoke made them look at me funny or maybe it was just 1:32 am. They asked me to leave because the daughter of Big Lou felt uneasy. I would respect her wishes if she told me why she feared me as some midnight creep some stalker neighbor. I am just curious and have no peers to chill with at my hood. It really pisses me off how judgmental people are. Im pretty sure its not appearance. I know Im not some model. But do I look like some creature zombie that would devour you at night.
Karaoke was good tonight but i got tired, and that social sickness disease happened where I shut down and space out remaining mute. I hate that feeling where you cant interact with people because reveling in the moment callous to anything happening. I couldnt even manage a simple compliment to people who I had been with all night, Then I beat myself up because I didnt offer them a ride home. is that rude? I didnt want to endanger them with my driving. my car is always a mess. but I guess thats an excuse. I was kinda getting a weird vibe from them because she started talking about stalkers I thought she was refering to me I just felt as young as a toolbag 13 yearold. I get into those situations all the time. I thought it was good to live outside your comfort zone but this just makes you feel like the scum of the earth. Maybe I am. All I wanted tonight was to talk to people, learn me how to dance, and try singing. The way i compose myself just scares people. I cant help their reaction. So maybe they are just reacting to me. I felt good and sociable up until Gretchen started to talk in french saying something about a person being stupido and petite. I didnt call her a butch and I didnt call her cute. I danced with her only because she started talking to me so I figured she was a friendly person. I had fun initially but the endings always tarnish and decay. Some of my relationships have been like that I thought a couple would last a bit longer. but there is no such thing as love. fuck girls fuck guys Im just going to be a baby. tonight atleast. then Ill grow up
dont read into that because it means nothing.

secret project

thats right no one should see this, so if you read keep mum says me.
it belongs to nina wright. I am helping her document the mannequins that she paints. the current clips look like the below links or files. I havent fully edited the pacing and corrected the color.



and at victory park

kayaking

went today sight were amazing. cheered me up felt great.
went to indianna to brooksville

self discipline

i am a bad teacher for myself. infact the deadlines that i set for myself exist in an unorganized way. It also really is frustrating that i dont get up off my ass and get a job. What i need to do is just forget about art completely and come back to it when i have things stabilized. just right now it feels too good just to do nothing, cameron was right it feels like the summer before going back to school and so you feel motivated but not that motivated.


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i infact have lost the ambition. I do nothing now. earlier this summer i was atleast painting a new one every week and filming with nina Wright now i just go on monster.com and hope that someone will just give me a handout job. i need the money and the satifaction of being depended on being relieable. At the moment i feel utterly useless defunct and out of place. Ive been planning road trips to go on but not following through with them.
this is in arizona i went there with my dad and just now got up to posting some images.